Family estrangement is a sensitive and often painful subject, but it’s one that can’t be overlooked when it comes to estate planning. Every so often, I have a client who chooses not to mention a child because of estrangement. They don’t want to leave anything to that child—or the child’s children—but failing to acknowledge them in the estate plan can create serious problems.
If an estranged child isn’t specifically mentioned and disinherited in the will or trust, they may still have a legal right to claim part of the estate. That’s why addressing the situation openly with your estate planning attorney is essential.
Some clients might avoid discussing the estrangement out of guilt, shame, or simply the pain of revisiting a fractured relationship. It’s understandable, but ignoring this issue can lead to unintended consequences down the road.
What Is Estrangement, Really?
A recent article in The New York Times sheds some light on family estrangement. In broad terms, estrangement is defined as a relative intentionally choosing to end contact due to an ongoing negative relationship. It’s important to note that this doesn’t apply to family members who lose touch because of external circumstances, like military deployment or incarceration.
Lucy Blake, a lecturer at Edge Hill University in England, published a review of 51 studies about estrangement in The Journal of Family Theory & Review. She explains that this body of research helps us “understand family relationships as they are, rather than how they could or should be.” It’s a reminder that not all family dynamics are ideal, and estrangement is more common than we might think.
Common Myths About Estrangement
Myth: Estrangement Happens Suddenly
Contrary to popular belief, estrangement is usually not the result of a single explosive argument. Instead, it’s a slow process, often building over years of tension, disappointment, or feelings of betrayal. For example, if a child fails to visit a parent and continues that pattern when the parent becomes ill, this might be the final straw. Similarly, a parent cutting off financial support during a child’s college years can be seen as a breaking point after years of perceived neglect.
Kristina Sharp, an assistant professor at Utah State University, describes estrangement as “a continual process.” She points out that in our culture, there’s a strong sense of guilt around not forgiving family, making it difficult for people to create and maintain distance.
Myth: Estrangement Is Rare
Estrangement might feel isolating, but it’s more common than you’d think. A 2014 study in the UK found that 8% of adults—equating to over five million people—had cut off a family member. An additional 19% reported that a relative had cut off contact with them.
Other studies from around the world reveal similar patterns. For example, a 2015 Australian study found that children typically sever ties with parents for three main reasons: choosing between a parent and a spouse, punishing a parent for perceived wrongdoing, or ongoing stressors like domestic violence or failing health.
Myth: Estrangement Happens on a Whim
In another Australian study, 26 adults reported being estranged from their parents due to reasons like abuse (physical, emotional, or sexual), betrayal over secrets, or poor parenting. Often, these issues weren’t isolated incidents but long-standing problems that accumulated over time.
For one participant, the final straw came on his wedding day. He had chosen to marry his girlfriend in a small City Hall ceremony and didn’t invite his family, partly due to concerns that his father would disrupt the event as he had during his brother’s wedding. When his family found out about the marriage on social media, they cut off contact. This marked the end of an already strained relationship.
Why This Matters in Estate Planning
Estrangement can be a difficult, emotionally charged issue, but it’s crucial to address it in your estate plan. Failing to acknowledge an estranged relative in your legal documents could open the door to them claiming a portion of your estate. A conversation with your estate planning attorney can help ensure your wishes are clearly stated and protected.
It’s important to confront these issues now to avoid complications later.
